Unbound

Unbound me, dear spirit, bring me to the depths of the depths of existence, lift me to the apex of experiential beingness; free me to become every imaginable energy, allow me the beauty in the discovery of myself; show me again and again your wildness, lest I forget who I truly am, sheer ecstasy and joy.  Remind me always to honor your wildness that is also mine, unbound, unlimited and free.

Unbound is the natural state of my spirit.  Life is nothing but a yearning to be spirit.  I wish to be unbound from the baggage this body accumulates, I crave for lightness.  Purification of thought, of action, of existence lightens my soul.  The desire to understand the body, is a desire to transcend being bound.  I am not my body, nor the thought patterns that gets trapped in each muscle, each bone.  I wish to be freed from the limitations, through wild dance, I become spirit, pure energy.  I dance not, but spirit does, through this body, in ecstasy.  When spirit moves me, I am moved, emotionally, physically; I am in spirit.  How do I explain this is all there is to live for?  When the holy spirit consumes my every cell, becomes the entirety of my existence, how could I describe the rapture, the pure bliss?  Spirit does not come from a book, spirit is pure experience; do not preach to me about spirit, but show me, that spirit is in you, it is you.  Through song, I sing my spirit to me, it consumes this moment in time and space, becoming infinity.  It connects each vibration, becoming it, we become each other, in unity.  Spirit dances in the speed of light, connecting universe to universe in no time, no space.  Freedom is not a physical state, neither is it a moral dilemma.  Freedom is the natural state of spirit, it is the state we are all inclined to return to, and most certainly one day will become.

photo: UN workshop

Letting In

My body therapist says I can write a novel about my body.

He said this during our yesterday 3 hour session devoted only to an exploration of the neck and shoulders.  And maybe I could.  Just reflecting on the numerous interesting issues that came up during the session, I am lost in where to begin.

For a start, my body therapist, Eric, isn’t just any body therapist.  He is a master of himself.  Every session is a meditation to him.  His sense of every tissue, every bone and every muscle is a prayerful connection with God.  We’ve had a very interesting connection.  I always believe we, as human beings, are constantly being shown the people who are important on our path by the Universe, but whether we are ready to see them, is a whole different matter.  We met around 3 years ago.  I was definitely not ready for him then, we had several sessions together and he referred me to another (also very brilliant) practitioner .

I had a body of brick then, there was so much fear in trust and I wasn’t ready to let anyone in.  Letting in, is the beginning of a relationship with your body therapist.  The willingness to let someone into the story of your body, is also the beginning of a relationship with yourself.  I am amazed with utter gratitude each day, of how much this vehicle, the physical body, has agreed to take on and how willing it also is to keep evolving.  It has showed me clearly, through my work with Eric, that the body is here to reflect the inner landscape.  Nothing is impossible.  Only we have to wish to change.  And the body does, if not in an instant, maybe in 3 hours…

How amazing this body can take on so much pain and still function and keep going for so many years.  The pain that re-expressed itself yesterday was comparable to childbirth, except it happened in my neck and back, not around my belly.  So many times I muttered prayers to God under my gasps of breath.  And for most part of it, I wished to be there.  I wished to go deeper to find out where the pain leads to, to discover what all this means.

I said to Eric, “but this is all there is to life…to find out about myself.”  If I were to have a full time job, this would be it.  There is nothing of the world that I could or wish to change.  And to work on myself I am already so fully occupied!  Eric laughed and said, “and so many people still get caught up in the 9 to 5 thing.”  In between awesome pain and the release of once trapped energy so powerful that according to Eric, “have burned and numbed his hands”, we have these beautiful conversations.

And there is a divine time for everything.  When we are ready, things will flower naturally without need or force.  Flowering isn’t something that can be hastened or delayed, it always has its own time.  And this is how I see intimacy with my body and am grateful for the meeting again with Eric.

A good therapist is like an all-seeing eye, he clearly sees my inner realms and accordingly balances my outer realms with this insight.  He is also a gentle coach, while his hands may be firm, he guides me to keep going, as it is not much use to let go until what needs to be released and what needs to be corrected, is in full completion.

What’s left is my ability to keep laughing, when the pain comes, remembering nothing unreal exists.  Illusions are definitely unreal according to me, and the raucousness perpetuates.

photo: www.jeffreychanworkshop.com

On the road

She bought a copy of Jack Kerouac’s Some of the Dharma the day she went on her journey.  This big thick book and a few items of clothing was all she took with her.  And she hasn’t been happier, so enlightening to travel so light, to own next to nothing.

She can’t explain the things that happen to her in life.  They just happen.  She only knows decisions are either appropriate or not, she knows them fiercely, never with doubt.  She spent that autumn in pain.  Because she has known about the decision.  She knows it has to happen.  Yet she wants to procrastinate, actually she doesn’t, but she doesn’t know how to go about it without hurting others.  She knows she has to leave.  Leave this island, this home, her belongings, her dogs, her partner.  Her identity.  She is intensely excited, yet deeply in pain.  She doesn’t know how to not hurt others with her departure.

She spent that autumn re-reading Krishnamurti, and this time around, it all made sense.

There was no other way but to speak the truth.

“I have to leave, I would like to live on a farm.” She began.  ”I don’t know whether I will return or not.”

With that, she packed her light belongings.  And went on the journey to work out her karma.

The five years before this decision, has been a solid five years of consolidation.  Consolidating her career, her identity, her knowledge, her expression, her art, most of all, her self.  She has a wonderful partner whom she learnt and worked together, had meaningful conversations with.  During her Saturn’s return, she could have chosen to get married, yet the Universe had other plans for her.

So she left all that she knew, and went searching for the truth of her soul.

The man she met on her journey this time, no doubt, played an important role in her life.  A crucial figure in the cycle of karma.  Her path is to discover the truth of herself, and through this man, she is to, once more destroy more of what she has created.  They have only met briefly before her departure.  Actually they have met numerous times before, only without conscious remembrance.  The first time they “met again”, she remembered him in a flashback.  Her first experience of remembrance in parallel realities.

He is a farmer.  She wished to be close to nature.  Matching of context and life lessons, the consummation was painless.  He told her his wish to search for God.  She was searching God through family and partnership.  What she didn’t know was, her path to God, was his deterrent to salvation.

They farmed, toiled, sweated, grew food, loved the land and the food they ate.  Her life path is one of partnership, a role of assistance.  She became a shadow of his identity, something she is comfortable with and excelled in.  Except he knew what his cause was, and she doesn’t.  She mistook his cause for hers.

Her life path is one of partnership.  Yet a partnership can’t be a partnership without the equality between the parties.  Partners who come together do so because they are on the same level, learning similar lessons.  One party is never the eternal teacher nor the perpetual student.  A union itself is a union of similar energies.  The child they had is a good indication of where they are both at, children are created only when the energies of the parents are in synchronicity.  To be in true partnership, she is to recognize she is also the teacher sometimes.  She has to let go of resisting the responsibility to be the teacher.

Until she comes into full acceptance of her role as an equal, she will never taste equality.  No one ever treats her unfairly, it is merely her reluctance to accept that equality.  And she will be shown again and again, through different partners, each time more challenging, a greater “teacher” will come along, until she can also see the teacher in herself.

Not only the teacher, but also the student, she can be both, and she is both.  It goes the same for the partner.  She requires her freedom, to create, to become and also to destroy, and to create again.  Until there is no role to become anymore, but be.  It goes the same for the partner.  Until both partners recognize the impermanence of roles, they will only be playing certain roles, true partnership has yet to happen.

On her journey, she has created the role of the subordinate, the wife, the mother, and she has no choice but to let them all go, if she has to find the truth of who she is.  And she did.  She did it with so much force in destruction that the tower came collapsing down without the slightest pity.

And on she goes, the journey continues.  She will continue to meet people, continue to create and destroy until the day when neither interests her anymore.  That will be the day when true partnership happens.

Patience

Patience is the recurrent theme in my life at the moment.

Patience is never taken well by those who have witnessed their abilities in creative manifestation.  My son is a very good example.  He is a master in manifestation, and he does it so well and with such detachment that it is frustrating for him to have to wait.  He also doesn’t understand why it isn’t as easy for others as it is for him in creation, and spends a lot of his energy healing those he love.

Yet to wait is exactly what we have to be this moment.

If you feel you are constantly being challenged to be patient, know that you have just walked ahead on your path.  And to continue now, we have to do it collectively as a planet.  And everything is being prepared for us, anything that was not consolidated fully is being done so at this moment, so that our work can stand on solid ground and not collapse with a faulty foundation.

To wait is not to slow down our progress.  We are advised to pause so we have a moment to see.  To fully understand that we are all one.  That there is no difference or separation between any of us.  We are all a part of our new creation, everyone of us, every single one of our thoughts is constructing the new world as we envision it.

And when it happens, we will be grateful we had this moment to reflect.  As the escalation of awareness can only move forward.  This is a time of great change that requires an even greater acceptance.  If you feel you are not where you feel you should be, physically, geographically, emotionally, spiritually; know that there is no mistake where you are this moment.  This moment is never wrong, it always happens for its perfection, and acceptance of it will only allow us to see its full glory.  You may be preparing yourself, others may be preparing themselves for you; only you have the sacred mission you have at this moment, right here, right now.  Honor it.

Impatience is usually a sign of great light and energy passing through you.  When the light is so immense, everything within gets propelled forward with great force, that every cell within us is overflowing with excitement and movement.  May your light radiate and ripple to every soul you encounter, may the love that is satiated be shared with whoever that is in need, most importantly, may our awareness awaken so that we all become a part of this connection.

This is no longer a time for an individual messiah, this is the time of being our own saviors.  We are all the leaders of our own future.  And all this will come to fruition, trust that patience will show us in divine time.

photo: Loons

I Deserve

I deserve the mountains and the skies, most of all, I deserve freedom.  I deserve beauty and tenderness, being in the feminine is my birth right.  I deserve laughter, when light is made audible.  I deserve tears, to cleanse the depths of my soul.  I deserve to share myself with someone who understands without language.  I deserve all the abundance the Universe has to offer.  I deserve the energy to claim the entirety of myself.  I deserve joy, to enjoy without a care in the world.  I deserve silence, in healing and recuperation.  I deserve to not bother.  I deserve to honor all of my emotions.  I deserve a hug that tells me we are forever a part of each other.  I deserve to be kissed like it’s the last time.  I deserve expression in all its transparency and honesty.  I deserve to reach you to the depths of depths and I deserve to be reached the same way.  I deserve to follow my heart as my only guide.  I deserve to be swept off my feet and become lightness.  I deserve to be human for this experience.  I deserve to find out about the greatest love of all, the love of oneself.  And I must.

photo: CK@Secret Nine Productions

Emptiness

The world is escalating in consciousness, this is a time of great light and great darkness.  I have no authority or interest to speak about our external reality, I believe my answers are all within me.  There is no speculation or prediction necessary.  If I could access the wisdom within my cells, of lifetimes past, of the earth and of the indigenous tribes, I trust I can take my next step in faith and confidence.

I feel indeed blessed to have arrived at this point.  This point where nothing matters anymore.  All dreams, hopes, aspirations disappear, emptying all thoughts, creating more space for new things to come.  There is no need to hold onto anything anymore.  I am in gratitude for being shown repeatedly until there is no more questioning of such a state.  Whenever I rise in excitement about a certain hope, I get to experience the disappointment of its arrival.  The emotional landscape that accompanies this process begins in deep grief, pain, anger and sadness; it ends in ease, a true detachment.

A true detachment inherently is joy.  And I recall that nothing that truly belongs to me can ever be taken away.  My belongings, my friendships, my loves, my relationships, my knowledge, my honor, my career, my creations can all be taken from me.  I can be let down over and over again, I can be stolen from and deceived repeatedly, but it doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t matter if I have nothing.  Because the things which can go, will ultimately go anyway.  And in fact, losing those things I become more full.

I have emptied myself to create more space to receive that which is of importance.  I have given myself more room to see what it is I always have and will always be abundant of.  I treasure the opportunity to slow down, to love what is patience and to allow my essence to step into ease.  And I couldn’t have asked for anything better.

photo: Andre Eichman

Acceptance

I have been reminded today, what I do not accept in my external reality, is actually what I am resisting of myself.  My relationship with those around me shows me clearly the relationship I have with myself.

There were many periods in my life, when I cannot be around people.  During those times, I was running away from myself.  I wasn’t ready to see the true responsibility I have in life.   Other times, it would be painful accepting people close to me in life.  These people are nothing but mirrors of the part of myself I couldn’t accept fully.

In reflection, human beings do spend a large part of their lives running away and ceaselessly searching, when the answers are right in front of us.  There is really no trick to any of this.  We only have to be willing to see.  And we will,  if we truly wish for advancement in oneself, and collectively as a whole.

Today I pledge a true acceptance of myself, of every cell, every flaw, every shadow, every demon.  I pledge to see the truth of all my agreements for this time around, and accept them truthfully.  I pledge for joy at all times, knowing this will always be my decision.  I pledge for growth, and the wisdom to embrace the lessons.  I pledge to see the truth of myself.  I am the only thing I have to master in life.

And I am grateful for everyone who has agreed in this lifetime, to mirror to me who I am at this moment, so I can further work on what is necessary to improve, even if it means they have to lower their vibrations to do so.  I thank them for their compassion and their gift.

I have come to be reminded, God has sent us nothing but angels.  And indeed life is a perpetual miracle.

photo: Andre Eichman

One step at a time

My child once told me after he has taken a bad fall, “if I can cry out loud, Mommy, then I am ok.”

And indeed he is right.

When the pain is so deep that we can’t verbalize it and our spirit is barely willing to be in the body, it is like a child who has fallen so badly that he lose consciousness.  I thought I was over these experiences. I am perpetually enthralled at my own optimism in life, to genuinely wish and believe, pain can be over one day.  When the pain is so deep that life does nothing but reflect it back to us, there is really nothing that can be done.  So I sit with it.  I sit with the pain, which has been with me for aeons.  I sit with the pain which perhaps has nothing to do with me, but I agreed to experience it.

And initially there were no tears.

There was only shock.  A disbelief of reality or illusion, whichever, whatever.

Somewhere, sometime, I have agreed to this.  Right now, presently, I do not agree to it anymore.  I am entitled to change my mind.

And I thank the pain.  I thank it for showing me myself, how much work there is to be done.  I thank it for another opportunity to learn from life.  I gather myself from the shock, and force my spirit back into the body, despite its distaste to be there.  I thank the body, which after so many times of being beaten up, it is still there to house my spirit, encouraging me to keep going.  I thank all that I find difficult to accept, and accept.

I have no idea what is the ultimate reason for pain, if there is any.  I am not sure I have enough reserves to dream about perfection.  The only thing I am certain of is, pain gets magnified infinitely, when one becomes more aware.

I have no answers and I only hope to take it one step at a time.

And then, the tears start to fall.

photo: UN workshop

Nan

(In memory of Leung Tang Pik Yuk, my grandma, who passed away at 100 years of age)

Wherever you are, wherever you were, we have never been apart.

I salute your iron strength, my feminine warrior.

You mended my clothes, you tended your plants, you were bliss in your own world.

You danced with the Gods, you journeyed back and forth, you became oblivion.

You held my hand, I caressed your silver hair.

Oblivion, in oblivion.

You have become oblivion.

Wherever you are, we are never apart.

And we will always be together.

 

 

photo: UN workshop

To Dare

When God is present, fear is not.

To dare, is to tell the Universe, I am ready to meet myself.  To allow for divine guidance, for God to run through.  Daring is a deep play that has no room for fear to reside.  God and only God fills you while you dare.

Daring implies a trust so deep that the future is irrelevant, only the present matters. Daring focuses not on uncertainty, but on absolute certainty, that this is for the greater good.  To dare is to thirst for the truth of who you are, to be willing to push through boundaries and limitations for truth.  It is a deep yearning to meet ourselves again, knowing that we will no longer settle for anything less.  To dare is to humble oneself in the experience of life.  How truly awesome and blessed we are to have so many moments to extend our comfort zone, until nothing is uncomfortable.  How immensely touching it is to discover for ourselves the true face of who we are. How magnificent life truly is.

Dare to love, dare to fail, dare to be in your own power, dare to be alone, dare to be in union, dare to be vulnerable, dare to forget so as to remember, dare to die so as to live, dare to be born again so as to become whole.

Dare to fly.

Dare Change.

Dare to be!

 

photo: UN workshop